Cracking Spines

Walgreen’s seeks bailout

President Obama announced today from the White House’s north lawn that he was ratifying a bill the senate had just passed that would give $174.5 billion dollars to Walgreen’s, the national drug store chain.

Walgreen’s has been in financial trouble since competitors like Wal-Mart and Target began offering discount prescription drugs - Walgreen’s long-time source of profits - and their board members began putting company money into stock market derivatives, which sank along with the rest of the economy.

“Walgreen’s is an important American institution,” Obama declared. “One which creates thousands of jobs for our country, and is a central pillar of our economy.”

The bailout was contingent upon a Walgreen’s restructuring plan that focuses on re-vamping the toys section, and adding more varieties of candy and snacks.

-ap